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21st February 2007
i always hated it when people said "karma is a bitch" because it's true, karma really is a bitch. but now...now i point and laugh at you cuz you've only felt half the pain you've put me through. so now go enjoy ur dead fetus and ur fat dead babies momma :
22nd November 2006
ILoVeTv0 (9:26:11 PM): i mean chris is my favorite of ur ex's cuz hes asian but if hes being lame and gay and a deadbeat then just forget it :
RBFho (9:26:32 PM): i just should have stopped it earlier
RBFho (9:26:37 PM): lol
Alright...so i had to find out via Myspace that NAtalie and Chris are back together...*shrug* whatever. Life is a bitch...im not gonna fucking let it get to me though. I think its halarious. He thinks he can fuck around and toy with my emotions...when i knew exactly what he was doing allll along. Thats why everytime i saw him i fucking cried...cuz i knew he was just using me for sex...but he kept on insisting he wasnt....HAHA RIGHT. What im fucking pissed off about the most...i let him sleep in my bed..ew gross...i went out of my way so we could spend a night together...grrr...oh and that its with Natalie for the third time...plus this whole week i've been fucking freaking out thinking he got arrested or he died..haha ok maybe not died..but something bad happened to him...damn it damn it damn it Carlotta...why are you so smart yet stupid? WEll all i gotta say is Fuck Him. I had a fucking dream last night...it was so weird..i was online checking out myspace and i some how ended up on Chris' page...covered with pics of Natalie...like fucking tons.....then i broke the computer and took of running...kept running and running until i sunddenly stopped...then i woke up....funny...dreams to become reality.
ILoVeTv0 (9:28:30 PM): oh well people are sketchy like that
ILoVeTv0 (9:28:41 PM): like u think that someone that close to u wouldnt lie to u
ILoVeTv0 (9:28:46 PM): but then they do
RBFho (9:29:21 PM): ExActly!
ILoVeTv0 (9:29:33 PM): ya i dont know dude
ILoVeTv0 (9:29:40 PM): u just gotta go through the pain of it all i guess
RBFho (9:30:13 PM): well i've felt this pain before
RBFho (9:30:19 PM): so like...it really doesnt matter anymore
ILoVeTv0 (9:30:00 PM): mikey?
RBFho (9:30:23 PM): i know i can get over it
ILoVeTv0 (9:30:06 PM): MAX???
ILoVeTv0 (9:30:07 PM): fjhdfjkhsdj lol
RBFho (9:30:32 PM): nah the first time i found out he was going out with natalie
RBFho (9:30:33 PM): LMFAO
RBFho (9:30:34 PM): OMG OMG
RBFho (9:30:36 PM): LAJSDLFJASL MAX
RBFho (9:30:37 PM): ALLMFAO
ILoVeTv0 (9:30:23 PM): lololol
ILoVeTv0 (9:30:40 PM): like im not gonna tell him u said that i mean i would if u told me that like a couple months ago but im over it
ILoVeTv0 (9:30:44 PM): wait when was the first time hewent out with her
RBFho (9:31:52 PM): during the summer
ILoVeTv0 (9:31:41 PM): and u guys were broken up already?
RBFho (9:32:04 PM): no
RBFho (9:32:07 PM): we were on a break
ILoVeTv0 (9:31:52 PM): WHAT????????
RBFho (9:32:14 PM): trying to work shit out
RBFho (9:32:15 PM): yup
ILoVeTv0 (9:32:01 PM): dude i guess it is true that guys think a break means breaking up
ILoVeTv0 (9:32:07 PM): thats so lame dude
RBFho (9:32:46 PM): well dude
RBFho (9:32:58 PM): hes the one who convenced me that a break isnt necessarlly breaking up
RBFho (9:33:05 PM): cuz i always thought it was
RBFho (9:33:06 PM): and he didnt
ILoVeTv0 (9:32:49 PM): ........................................
ILoVeTv0 (9:32:59 PM): ........................................
ILoVeTv0 (9:32:59 PM): ew
ILoVeTv0 (9:33:01 PM): thats so gay dude
ILoVeTv0 (9:33:08 PM): ok now i am starting to hate him
ILoVeTv0 (9:33:36 PM): what a lame louise
RBFho (9:34:07 PM): hahahahaha
RBFho (9:34:10 PM): wtf
Fuck now i have to get tested again
Words from Hazel that make me feel like a trillion billion bucks
ILoVeTv0 (9:55:20 PM): hows he getting annoying
ILoVeTv0 (9:55:29 PM): does he talk in a n english accent and ride a broom stick?
6th November 2006
I'm basiclly over it...i quit. I cant stand being jealous constantly over someone that doesnt even belong to me or doesnt even have mutual feelings towards me. I feel like im giving and giving and giving...and im just here waiting...and its just nothing! If it is something, its never something good. It's either "Well i need to talk to you cuz im going out with so and so" and it hurts me sooo fucking bad to the point where i wanna break down and die. I'm so blind and oblivious to everything..and i guess thats where he took advantage of my weakness. I totally disregarded reality and logic and fucking fell in love with this fairy tail ending and believed everything i wish would happen. It's not love...i dont think it ever was...just lonesome people starving for attention :
I guess this is the end
4th November 2006
i know i know i know..i shouldnt be writing drunken thoughts on LJ..but fuck it dude\..im doing it. Right now im so fucking confused..jealous...and scared. I feel as iff i should care about chirs..just totlly drop him like hot shit like he did with me..move on with life..and ta da..no more bull shit! but i care wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy too much about him...like fucking shit...i can have feelings of hate towards..but still want the bes\t for him..fucking ahhhhhh...i jus wnna fucking shot him or myself and just end thi fucking shit. i know we're d\neever gonna get back toether so why even bother..why ecven try...just i believe we were \meant to be together sooo much \and its really pathetic...fucking i hate being emo and sappy over a fucking guy that scrwed me over...twicde. fucking A dude..fucking..i gotta dance :
PS: MOTHER FUCKING BETCH I HATE THIS AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
beep boop *robot*
3rd November 2006
That's not cool yo
Otay, so Halloween started off really shitty but then turned out pretty fucking rad yo. :
Lets seeee, i went to school and found out i have to write two more papers...HURRAY! Whatever man. Got home and did my usual routine...then i remembered...'hey..i can go to work in my costume'...so i did! Except i had to wear leggins cuz my costume is too short yo haha. I got called in early cuz it was really slow and they wanted me to just intertain them..cuz im cool that way? So i just chilled and messed around with Stephanie and Leann...Leann and i were the only people that dressed up...but whatever..we're too cool to wear regular clothes yo. Leaan left and it was just Stephanie and i...fucking boooooooooooooooooring night. Only made like 2 dollars each in tips yo. Chris called while i was helping a customer and it kindda freaked me out. Actually it kindda pissed me off...ugh i dunno. While talking to Chris my eyelashes started to come off and then customers came in, so i had to get off the phone and help the mother fuckers...and what do you know!! my fucking eyelash totally fucking came off...grrr...so i had to glue it back on. Finally got off work and drove as fast as i could to Kendall's.
Showed up and it was fucking awesome yo. Liser passed out on a couch and Lorena was there!! Drank, smoked, smoked some more...drank some more...jello shots hahah...more drinks..more smoking ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh shnap. i was soo fucking faded...salvia totally didnt help either. Melancho and Lorena had to leave but not worries...we'll reunite once more. Fell asleep in Kendalls bed which was crazy cuz 4 of us actually fit in it. Hahahahahahah, Liser was sick but i wanted to sleep next to the wall, but Liser called wall...so i slept next to Liser but would keep the blanket over my mouth so i wouldnt get sick hahahah. Lisa woke us up at i have no fucking clue, so she went to work out and all that good junk. Uh, fuck i really cant remember that day.
That night chilled with Chris which was kindda different. Being surrounded by pussy all time then transitioning to cock is weird. No worries no worries. Not gonna get into details, but i ended up being a mother fucking pussy and crying cuz..im crazy like that yo.
1st November 2006
stop being a shit head
WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT FROM ME GOD DAMN IT?!!?!?
28th October 2006
Totally fucking Ew man
Uh fuckady fuckady fuckady fuckady. That's pretty much what's been going through my head the past couple of weeks. I have alot of shit i need to get done for school, but i keep putting it off. So much fucking stress and bull shit drama from work...then to top it off...my mom still wants me to move to Texas. Dont even get me started about Chris...so im not even gonna start. :
Right, yesterday was a pretty chill day. Went to school, took my fucking midterm which took forever...plus i forgot we were having a midterm so i didnt even study =P After class i kept craving a fag but i only have three left...and this shit is sappose to last me till my birthday...HAH..im not gonna make it dude...i just have a feeling. Got home and fell asleep...fucking operating on 2 hours of sleep is hard shit. Cell phone kept ringing so i woke up and picked it up...it was Kendall, she was at work and bored and wanted to do something. So of course we just chilled at Kendall's. Liser was in Temecula which made me sad =( but then Melancho called and i was like "OMG MELANIE HAS TO COME AND GET DRUNK!" So Melanie came..but she didnt get drunk. Got to Kendall's did the usual...drank...smoked...Mario Party...UNO...Soy Dos....weird pictures...yelling (i guess ur not sappose to jump when you live above someone else...my bad!)....made EVIL popcorn with the popcorn maker....and dont remember after that. Just funny ass funny shit hahaha. Went to bed at like...4ish cuz Kendall's cat's wouldnt shut the fuck up...and i really couldnt breathe for some reason. Kendall woke us up at 9 cuz she had to go to work which pissed me off sooooooo much. She decided to leave us with the key and we could leave whenever we needed to. Weird thing..i didnt fall back asleep...i just playing mancala with Melanie hahahahaha. Looked in my purse and realized i only have one cigarette left...bummmer!
Lets see...after we left Kendall's we went to Carl's Jr. in PQ cuz i wanted food...NOW. Just did typical Melancho and Carlo shit...i wouldnt be surprised if everyone at Carl's Jr thought we were lesbian lovers hahaha. Dropped Melancho off and now im home..but now im going to a bon fire so..uhh peace tigga.
PS: i hate you
19th October 2006
Seriously..whats wrong with me?
For the past 4 er 5 days...the weirdest shit has been happenig every morning. I'll be in the bathroom and look at the powder for my face...which always reminds me of Chris....really weird story but i wont talk about it. Then i get thoughts about how happy i was when we were together, even though we had ALOT of petty fights, but somehow we'd get over it, but then of i start thinking about him and Natalie together..then i start thinking about them kissing and having sex...and what do you know...BLAH...I puke every single time. What the hell is wrong with me?
18th September 2006
no god damn control
I'm not sappose to talk about it so i wont...i'll just say that i broke a promise last night...and i feel disgusting...yet happy. I have no idea what's going on, but what's new? I want to believe him...but there's that feeling that i cant. FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK, i need beer.
12th September 2006
I have no idea whats going on anymore...
: PLEASE SOMEONE HELP ME!!
Ok first look at the picture...notice how chinky my eyes are and how fake my smile is...and if you couldnt tell im saying "Nigga"....NOW...my goal is to get that fucked up again one more time!! Fucking need a hotel party with bubbles and naked boys....and girls teehheehehe.
Ok, im totally getting off track of why i came online for. Right. So today was a start of a really good day. I was home doing nothing and i realized that i still had my grandpa's birthday card...and his birthday was like 4 weeks ago. So i drove down to PQ to drop it off. It was cool cuz they were actually happy to see me. So i was talking to my grandma cuz she just found out that her bestfriend from high school has just passed away, which sucks cuz we already have to go to a funeral thursday cuz Uncle Bernie died. In the middle of the convo my phone rang...but a ring tone i havent heard in like months. So i was like "WTF?!?! Restricted number!?!" So i picked up the phone and what do you know!!!!!!! Fucking Chris decided to call me....ok im just soo fucking irritated and totally clueless...*really big sigh*...if he still "cares" for me...then what the fuck is he doing fucking another chick and calling me to see how i feel!?!??!?! Fucking pissed off that you have the nerve to talk to me thats how i feel!! Ok, so i picked up and i was like "HELLLLLLLLLO ^_^" cuz i really didnt think it would be Chris, and a really deep weird voice responded "..hi.." and my fucking mouth just dropped....and i was quiet waiting for him to talk cuz if i started talking i would of tore that piece of shit a new asshole. Then he was like "I was just calling to see if you still hated me...." and i didnt answer him until i realized i really shouldnt be talking to him cuz all my feelings are gonna come back and im gonna start bawling. So i just said "...Well....YEAH!" and he was like "Oh...ok.." so i was like "Yeah? ok bye" Then i hung up.....fuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. So i tried so hard to pretend that that just didnt happen...but i kept looking at my room and it reminded me of when i snuck Chris in and we got caught. So i started bawling like a little bitch and i freaked the fuck out of my grandma...whoa that sounded wrong. So she was telling me she didnt really like him and that theres plenty of fish in the sea, then i looked at my grandpa and he handed me 40 bucks hahahhahahahaha.
So i went to Dennis' house and met his Parents and sister, we were just being weird and played with his bass and had tickle fights. Yeah, i almost choked on a jolly rancher cuz he decided to tickle me while i was sucking on it while laying down...ass hoe. Then we ate dinner and that wasnt awkward at all.....*sarcasm* I have no idea why but they just shot question after question after question and i just wanted to yell "Whoa there...im eating!" So after dinner we watched Hackers, during the movie Dennis was trying to hold my hand and i was just like..eh why the hell not? So we were holding hands and he leanded his head on me, and we just laid down. But then he decided to play with my tummy and run his fingers all over my bare skin....then i started freaking out. I guess Dennis could tell i was really uncomfortable so he stopped and was like "Im sorry ill stop and sit over here". AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! It's like, yeah i want someone to show me affection and tell me that everything is going to be ok, but at the same time i need time to heal from this fucking pain. The whole time we were watching the movie i kept thinking about Chris and how he's probably fucking his new bitch right this very second....JUST FUCKING SHIT!!!!!! I'm 'bout to go fucking crazy i swear! I just dont know what i want...i dont know what i should do....im just fucking sitting here waiting for things to be ok...but the more i sit and do nothing...the more i think about how badly i was screwed over. I just imagine Chris with his fucking stupid asian face laughing at me holding his new bitch....and i cant fucking stand it anymore. I fucking hate myself....i fucking hate everything right now.
Sorry...i needed like a 10 min break...
Um, yeah after Dennis and i watched Hackers we watched Flavor of Love and talked about how crazy New York is, then his mom popped her head in the room and said it's getting kind of late cuz Dennis has to go to school tomorrow. So after Flavor told Like Dat to go, i decided to make my exit. Dennis and i had a really long deep convo about what just happened...and i just felt like shit. He's ready to take the next step..but im not. I'm still stuck on this fucking heart break, and i dont want to be with Dennis and always be thinking about how badly Chris hurt me. So i told him, we really should get to know each other as friends...like BFF friends...then see if we have feelings for each other or not. So i left...got home..then noticed i had two voicemails. Dennis called apalogizing like no other and it just made me feel so bad...even though i shouldnt...but then i should cuz i didnt tell him to stop or tell him i didnt feel comfortable. I just laughed and looked away. So at the end of the message he said "I'm sorry for calling...i have no idea what im doing... im sorry" and that just fucking made me feel like shit....FUCKING HELL...things arent going to get easier are they?
I dont want this anymore...
Last night that shooting pain that went through my body everytime i thought about Chris and his new GF together finally stopped. I know i was jealous, i still am kind of jealous cuz i actually believed that Chris' heart belonged to me...but he lied and it doesnt. I should have realized that the fucker doesnt even have a heart to share. I'm trying so hard to just move on, but there's always that little thought "I want my Panda Bear back..." I really do try to push that thought away and remind myself every five minutes that, 'if he can do this to you he really doesnt love you' Thats the bottom line...he really doesnt love me... I guess he never did. All the fucking time and effort i put into that relationship was just a fucking waste...i feel so stupid right now. I should have just told my heart to shut the fuck up and stick with my gut feeling...but i trusted him....and he misused my trust. Fucking story of my life.
I'm tired of being emo and thinking about him constantly but we were together for so long and did so much together...just so fucking frustrating.
But i like the pros of us no longer together
1) I dont have to do shit with him anymore
2) I CAN DO WHATEVER THE FUCK I WANT NOW!!!
3) I can keep cutting
4) I can finally live my own life now, instead always thinking about "our" life
5) I can hang out with friends that he dissaproved of
. theres a ton more but im distracted by food at the moment
And then the
What the fuck i should have done this earlier, i feel so much better about this LOL.
Ok, well the main reason i made this entry was to just get a shit load of stuff thats been on my mind for the past three days. And also to talk about last night that fucking pissed me off like no other. I was talking to Dennis for like 3 hours, right in the middle of the conversation the phone was beeping cuz there was someone on the other line. I didn't want to pick it up cuz i wanted to talk to Dennis with out any distractions. So then around 12 or 1 we ended our conversation about skat and anal sex. I was laying down about to fall asleep and i was in a really good fucking mood...Dennis said my giggle/laugh is the cutest sound he has ever heard =D then out of nowhere my phone vibrated and beeped, and i was like "wtf? who the hell is txting me this late?" And i had the idea in my head Dennis was just texting me saying night er something. So i ran to my phone with a huge ass smile on my face and what do you know....
nd it read "Still hate me?"
WHAT THE MOTHER FUCKING SHIT DID THAT DUMB ASS PEDAPHILE NOT UNDERSTAND WHEN I SAID "DELETE MY NUMBER OUT OF UR PHONE AND NEVER TALK TO ME AGAIN...PEACE THE FUCK OUT!" ?!?!?!?!?!!?!?! That there just totally ruined everything. I just wanted to fucking drive down to PQ and choke that mother fucker, and after i choked him to death ill shank him just for the shit of it. It's exactly like when we were going out...what i have to say doesnt really matter. Like if he didnt want me to talk to him...i wouldnt cuz i respect him for that....but when i dont want him talking to me...he thinks im just pissed off and kidding. FUCK THAT MOTHER FUCKING ASSHOLE RIGHT UP HIS DEVIRGINIZED ASS CRACK!!
It's hard enough to get over him cuz i loved him...i loved his his family, his sister is the coolest person...his mom might be crazy but she's a really funny person...his dad reminds me exactly of my dad and i was actually comfortable with him, his younger siblings are cuter than fuck and i wanted to kidnap them and keep them as my own. But having him txting me still wanting to be friends makes it ten times harder...Theres no place for me now, im just Carlotta the Ex or the "friend".....and i dont want to sound like a bitch er anything...but i just dont want that. I'd just rather be forgotten and replaced with someone.
Yeah i know im really confusing and hard to understand but you have to see it from my point of view, having a person tell you that you're the world to them and they dont want anyone else, and then have them turn around and tell you "oh, i lied"...or actually have the new person in his life tell you that he lied...it fucking hurts so bad. Then being slapped with the label as FRIEND...what the fuck is that kind of shit? You're telling me that i mean the world to you, but you can go find some other person and totally disregard what you just told me. That just means im second best to you...or not even second...just FUCK THAT! I swear to fucking god if that kid tries to talk to me one more time im going to send his ass to jail. not even fucking kidding....
If I cut, If I cut,
I won't feel like this shit
10th September 2006
Yesterday was the shittiest day alive that transitioned to the best night ever, it was totally fucking amazing. First, the night before yesterday found out that Chris found himself a new girl. Wtf mate?!?! I would be totally cool with it if he told me before he decided to pork her, or like if we were actually broken up...but fuck it...im done with pedaphiles. So had like a brief convo with her then she said "if you're so curious then why dont u call?" so i fucking call that mother fucker and so i asked what her name was and she said "im not comfortable telling you right now.." WHAT THE FUCK!! Is she afraid of a fucking 17 year old pyscho bitch er something?? Talked to that mother fucker and just lost it, i've heard all the sorrys i could bare...i was just gonna break down and cry and say the typical "how could you do this to me?" "i thought we were soul mates" but no... fuck that, i just wished them the best of fucking luck and hung up. No more azn pedaphile in my life...so i had to peace him out...cuz i guess he just wanted to keep me around....for what? i have no fucking clue. So yesterday, woke up feeling like awful shit, heart hurting, empty stomach, and knowing i had to go to work. :
WORK: Lisa and i are chill and shit so we were talking in the back, and i said something about Jacki, then she asked "What the fuck did she say about me?" and i told her....then i stopped and was like "...i wanna tell you something else but then i dont wanna start any drama" then Lisa said "no, its ok...tell meeee" So i said "Jacki said you were white trash" and then i was gonna say, and i agreed with her, but then she fucking exploded...and i got scared shitless. So when Jacki came in, of course Lisa told Jacki that i told her what she said, so Lisa called the owner of the store telling her what Jacki said. So Jacki started crying like a mother fucker...then i only had 2 mins left till i had to leave and all i had to do was check out my drawer until....dun dun dun....Jacki comes up and says "Lisa talked to me...." and i instantly knew what about and my mouth dropped and the first thing out of my mouth was "22.....uhhhhhhhhh...." So apparently i have a verbal warning now and i had to appologize to Lisa cuz i didn't tell her the whole truth...but fuck man...Lisa may be little but she can fucking kill you, if she doesnt kill you she has peeps that could. So i was gonna txt Lisa to talk to her one on one without Jacki starring at me and crying...but what do you know...a txt from 858-442-2890 and it read "i know this is the farthest thing you are probably thinking about right now, but could we still be friends?" i read it and had to think who it was...then i remembered...OHHH YA that dip shit got a new bitch and now he still wants me in his life...how sweeeeeeeet....ttthhhhhhhhhhhhhbbbbbbbbb
bbbbbbbbbt. Oh my fucking shit!!! i just broke out into laughter cuz...seriously...its like a total mind fuck, then him exploiting my body, and him still wanting to be friends....thats cool he wants to...but i sure as hell cant!! After listening to him with his "Youre the one i wanna grow old with, We're soul mates and we belong together, I've never felt so comfortable with someone, I can just be myself around you, Im only Carlotta-sexual, I can only be more than just friends with you"..*. COUGH COUGH* BULL SHIT. So i had to peace the mother fucka out ...again.
Got home later and totally lost it cuz mom still had the framed Prom picture of me and him up...and i just couldnt look at it or be around it....then i went into my room and mon chichi is just running in her wheel...and i just broke down...theres too must shit in this house that reminds me of what we HAD....and the fact that he can just toss it over his shoulder like it was nothing hurts soo much. Plus, finding out from his new GF that he moved on...that just shot pains throughout my whole body it felt exactly like the fucking car accident all over again...fuck. So i called Dennis and told him everything that happened and he said i deserve a night out, so he came up to Esco and picked me up and we went down to Mira Mesa to the movies. Haha he bought so much shit at the snack bar it made me wonder where the fuck it all goes. So we watched BeerFest...fucking funny ass movie...stupid...but funny as shit. Throughout the movie Dennis and i were throwing pop corn at each other and he was feeding me rasinets...sweet shit. So after the movie we were hungry for real food, so we went to Rubios and split a fish taco...we were just sitting there talking and i see a shadowy figure behind Dennis' head and i had a thought...shadow lurker....AKILAH!!! And it was Akilah and Nam, they both joined in and it was just shitzengiggles. Dennis and i were talking about some lady's wheels on her wheelchair and how cool they are, and then he had to bust out the cripple word right when she was riiiiiiiiiiight behind him and i just busted out laughing. So then Dennis drove me back home but we stopped near sabre springs next to the 15 to get some gas, it smelt like shit outside and Dennis couldnt handle the smell so he hopped in the pasanger side with me...and it was cool. So when we finally reached my house we just talked alot, then we hugged...then of course the good night kiss. It made me giggle inside cuz Dennis has the most facial hair i've ever seen on a 17 year old, and it made me feel like i was kissing my grandpa...but a skinnier grandpa. So that's the story of my life.
PS: I know Chris is never going to read this, but if he does...this here, right now, is only going to mold me into a stronger person. I was nothing but weak arm candy when i was with you, so go fuck your new bitch and tell her the same lies you've told thousands of other girls, including me, and continue with your on going cycle. Your ass is going nowhere, and i have no idea what i saw in you. You were right, im so much better off without you, and i do deserve better. I could never be your friend and plus i never was your friend... so why start now? Now i know how you felt after you got butt raped by your boyfriend, fucking butt hurt as shit...PEACE
30th June 2006
If you have nothing to do Sunday...check this shit out
Alright, for those who really care. There's gonna be a bon fire this Sunday @ La Jolla shores. Anyone that wants to come...come! If you can't find us you're shit out of luck. =P I kid, just call me loser.
28th June 2006
I've been waiting for this for a long time
: Alright, so High School is over with and i feel so releaved because of it. All this dumb shit drama, having to deal with teachers that should really retire, and feeling trapped inside a prison is over with. Only thing is...i'm kind of scared. ME...scared?!! FUCK YES I AM!! Never in my life have i had this much responsibility and freedom. I'm happy...but then scared if i fuck up and end up dissapointing myself. I feel like those fucking bitches that have their life planned out and know exactly what they're doing. Even though it's just setting yourself up, because if your plan doesnt go exactly as you wanted it to... the fucking world comes to an end. My plan really needs to work out, or i'll be totally fucked. Everyone thinks i'm fucking retarded for wanting to join the military after college, but it's something i really want to do. Ugh, whatever
11th June 2006
fuckiung emo emo emo
: im tired of pretending not to care about shit when i really do. It's something i feel like i have no control over. Even when the question "whats bothering u?" is asked, my only response is "nothing" which is never true....no matter how many times it's asked...my answer is still going to be nothing. i wish i could flat out say what i'm thinking, but it's always misundertood or doesnt make any sense what so ever. I guess im just tired of my own stupidity. I'm fucking tired of not being taken seriously, and whatever i have to say is shit. just fucking...whatever...im just here to be looked at and not heard.. and i fucking cant stand it anymore. I'm fucking damn sick and tired of having these doubts about Chris and then shit happening that really doesnt help the situation. it's really hard for me to believe that he's trying to get his shit straight, and he's still coming down to play the "cool yos drug lord" everyone loves and knows. overall...im just tired of nothing happening. I've been waiting for shit to change and they haven't. I know i have to put some effort into making a change...but it always turns around to smack me across the face and i'm back at where i started. giving up looks like my only option...
Oh yeah, prom was last night. Wasn't exactly the way i wanted it to go...but i still had some fun because i have the weirdest fucking friends alive.
30th May 2006
Hmm i'm just sitting here in class and have nothing better to do but of course go on livejournal and write an entry...soooooooo here i go! Actually i have way too much on my mind right now i have no idea where to start. I have typical girl problems and problems that i really shouldnt have to be dealing with. :
Typical girl problems: PROM, fucking of course!! No one has plans except for the hotel party, and im still lagging on that part. No one has no fucking clue how they are getting there and its just AHHHHHHH! im done im tired of it, i just want to say fuck it and not go anymore. The main and probably only reason i'm going is because my mom desperately wants me to go.
Problems that have been floating in the back of my brain: Chris....hmmm or should he be typical girl problem??? whatever, ugh after he went camping with the family my mom started talking to me about Chris more often. She keeps asking me if im sure if i want to be with him, or she just fucking flat out tells me "you're gonna find someone better than him and you'll be happy." It really fucking pisses me off because half the shit she is saying...i know it's true. I know there's going to be a point in time where i'm just gonna say "Fuck it, i cant stand your shit anymore." even though it wouldnt be a first, this time i'll just actually mean it. The fucking shit he pulled off saturday didn't really help the situation either. Like i see it this way...if you want to hang out with your friends...by all means go right ahead. I'm not going to hold you back and say you can't have a social life, but when you fucking make me your transportation to your friends every single time you come down to see me (which is bullshit, cuz you just tell ur mom ur coming down to see me and go see ur friends)...thats when i fucking get pissed. All your other friends have cars...they couldnt fucking drive up and pick you up?!? It's just..UGH!! Whatever...just seems like this whole entry is me venting about all the negative shit about Chris. It's just been bugging me...
P.S. Greg i am sorry for your loss
17th May 2006
Alright, myspace is taking over the world and im tired of looking at the same pose in every fucking picture so yes...im back to livejournal. Yeah, so shit....i got nothing. Later i will just not now... :
OH!!!! ..not here
22nd December 2005
hep hep hep
Christmas sucks....so does New Years....holidays period, just suck. Is it summer yet?
26th November 2005
People cant stay out of anyone elses business can they?
Hah wow, i wasnt trying to start drama or anything, but of course the two stupid blonde bitches had to be smart asses and piss me off. It was just me telling someone i dont like em, cuz for the past i dunno 2 years she's been thinking she's my friend...even though...shes not. So, well i cant do anything to Crystal cuz im already behind in school, but nothing is stopping me from doing anything to Berna. And if u fucking find this....i dont fucking care! Be a smart ass, leave me comments....ill get u back, when u're least fucking expecting it. Just like Edgar said "Revenge is a dish best served cold." But u wouldnt understand that cuz u're too much of an oaky to even pick up a book. Fucking end :
24th November 2005
Today was like every other day...with a twist. Lisa picked me up from my grandparents and we went to the Greek corner cafe and got our usual...and i was in my work pants....with only a jacket on...ONLY a jacket on...it felt funny. Then we stopped by our work to pick up cake boxes for Lisa's cup cakes she's making. Then we drove to my house so i could put clothes on. Then we headed off for the the mall, we looked around for like hours in Bath and Body, then went to Vans and i finally bought shoes...they're fucking niiiiiiiiiiiiiice. Then...THE WHOLE FUCKING MALL JUST TO SEE T-MOBILE GUY!! o m g, it was crazy, but while we were walking i got a call, and i thought it was this kid Tony that's kindda freaking me out...so i didnt want to answer it...So i answered the phone, and it was my cousin Alex. He needed something to do so i told him to come down and hang out with Lisa and i. Lisa and i headed to my house and we gaged our ears...mine popped...it sounded funny and i giggled. Then Alex showed up, so we went to Put Put fun center...and i made them play air hockey together while i played DDR. Then they just watched me play DDR and i felt uncomfortable. Then we went to get something to eat...and this fat guy on a tank of oxygen who was really really fat probably obesse ate 2!!! huge fucking burritos...and i wanted to puke so he would stop eating. The line for the theatre was way too long...so we came back home...and took pictures and watched movies and had a couple of laughs....
( what we do when we are boredCollapse )
22nd November 2005
I see a red door and I want it painted black
No colors anymore I want them to turn black
I see the girls walk by dressed in their summer clothes
I have to turn my head until my darkness goes
I see a line of cars and they’re all painted black
With flowers and my love both never to come back
I see people turn their heads and quickly look away
Like a new born baby it just happens ev’ry day
I look inside myself and see my heart is black
I see my red door and it has been painted black
Maybe then I’ll fade away and not have to face the facts
It’s not easy facin’ up when your whole world is black
No more will my green sea go turn a deeper blue
I could not foresee this thing happening to you
If I look hard enough into the settin’ sun
My love will laugh with me before the mornin’ comes
I see a red door and I want it painted black
No colors anymore I want them to turn black
I see the girls walk by dressed in their summer clothes
I have to turn my head until my darkness goes
Hmm, hmm, hmm,...
I wanna see it painted, painted black
Black as night, black as coal
I wanna see the sun blotted out from the sky
I wanna see it painted, painted, painted, painted black
20th November 2005
"i cant breathe i cant breathe!!"
Yesterday was my Birthday party, it was ok. Akilah, Lisa, Melancho, Farah, Kendall, my cousins, and my mom's friend came. But the one person i really really wanted to go didn't make it. It made my day total shit. Ugh, whatever i should have gotten use to it by now. Alright, the party was at my house and we just walked to Grand and we looked at the birds in bird heaven and the snakes at the reptile house...it was mighty cool. Then later Kendall came and she was like, "its your birthday, im gonna take you anywhere u wanna go." so i said Mission Beach. So we went and we went on the Giant Dipper and that shit...was the mother fucking shit. Then we walked along the beach and saw some people that took Melanchos idea, thats to play Sublime songs and get money for it. Then Kendall and i started talking about weed, and it made me miss it...ALOT! So i was like fuck it, im gonna smoke even though it means losing $10. Farah and i had a bet that i couldnt stop smoking till the end of the year..and i couldnt...so i loss $10...oh well. So we gave Andrew a call and no answer, then later Estabon called back asking if we callled Andrew...and you know where it leads to! We ended up going to PQ at that pathetic thing they called a "show" and smoked. That's the fucking longest i've ever had to wait to get smoked out, but whatever it was worth it.
( pinata!Collapse )
9th November 2005
WHY DOESN'T ANYONE UNDERSTAND THE MEANING OF VENTING?!?!
maybe some people do understand, but ignorant people that like to start shit cant understand it and never will. I guess i cant write shit in here anymore cuz people have to analyze every single fucking thing i say. What i say is fucking diarreha of the mouth, i dont think about it, i just fuking write. Fucking ugh, drama drama drama is all people like to cause. If people didn't go talking behind other peoples back or just confront other people...everything would be cool but no. We're girls, we cant just have an argument and walk away and make up...we have to hold grudges. I fucking wanna talk about it, but they dont. They just wanna drop everything...dropping everything would do nothing! We'd just hold grudges and not talk to each other, we'd just sit together and not talk. Just like how it was before. Talking about things would make everything soo much easier, we can get shit off our chest and tell people what we've been holding inside. I guess their just scared to face the truth without the safety of a computer screen. Whatever, i just hate doing it, but what has to be done is going to be done. Resolve to violence to solve this. I really dont want to, but i guess its the only way to get the message through. Whatever, i said what i said and i'm not going to take it back. I did what im best at...affending people. So if i affended you, take it as a complement.
3rd November 2005
my craving for drugs have suddenly came back and i really really want 'em, all of em except weed, meth, and dxm blah. Beer, salvia, gooms, E, coke it sounds so yummy.
fucking freaking out!
Ok, so Hazel came back from the home she was staying at cuz she couldnt go home on account of her dad was there, i dunno when he got out of jail....but that doesnt matter. All that matters is that shes back home and so is Kia. And i love how fucking random she is;
RBFho: did have u ever choked on ur own spit?
ILoVeTv0: not really
RBFho: lol damn u
RBFho: it sucks sooo much
ILoVeTv0: dude i have the gnarliest poop story
RBFho: do tell!