lemur_bandit (lemur_bandit) wrote,
lemur_bandit
lemur_bandit

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I dont want this anymore...

Last night that shooting pain that went through my body everytime i thought about Chris and his new GF together finally stopped. I know i was jealous, i still am kind of jealous cuz i actually believed that Chris' heart belonged to me...but he lied and it doesnt.  I should have realized that the fucker doesnt even have a heart to share.  I'm trying so hard to just move on, but there's always that little thought "I want my Panda Bear back..." I really do try to push that thought away and remind myself every five minutes that, 'if he can do this to you he really doesnt love you'  Thats the bottom line...he really doesnt love me... I guess he never did.  All the fucking time and effort i put into that relationship was just a fucking waste...i feel so stupid right now.  I should have just told my heart to shut the fuck up and stick with my gut feeling...but i trusted him....and he misused my trust. Fucking story of my life. 
I'm tired of being emo and thinking about him constantly but we were together for so long and did so much together...just so fucking frustrating. 
But i like the pros of us no longer together

PROS:
1) I dont have to do shit with him anymore
2)  I CAN DO WHATEVER THE FUCK I WANT NOW!!!
3) I can keep cutting 
4) I can finally live my own life now, instead always thinking about "our" life
5) I can hang out with friends that he dissaproved of

. theres a ton more but im distracted by food at the moment

And then the 
CONS:
1).......


What the fuck i should have done this earlier, i feel so much better about this LOL. 

Ok, well the main reason i made this entry was to just get a shit load of stuff thats been on my mind for the past three days. And also to talk about last night that fucking pissed me off like no other.  I was talking to Dennis for like 3 hours, right in the middle of the conversation the phone was beeping cuz there was someone on the other line. I didn't want to pick it up cuz i wanted to talk to Dennis with out any distractions.  So then around 12 or 1 we ended our conversation about skat and anal sex.  I was laying down about to fall asleep and i was in a really good fucking  mood...Dennis said my giggle/laugh is the cutest sound he has ever heard =D then out of nowhere my phone vibrated and beeped, and i was like "wtf? who the hell is txting me this late?" And i had the idea in my head Dennis was just texting me saying night er something. So i ran to my phone with a huge ass smile on my face and what do you know....

(858)-442-2890

nd it read  "Still hate me?" 

WHAT THE MOTHER FUCKING SHIT DID THAT DUMB ASS PEDAPHILE NOT UNDERSTAND WHEN I SAID "DELETE MY NUMBER OUT OF UR PHONE AND NEVER TALK TO ME AGAIN...PEACE THE FUCK OUT!" ?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!
   That there just totally ruined everything. I just wanted to fucking drive down to PQ and choke that mother fucker, and after i choked him to death ill shank him just for the shit of it. It's exactly like when we were going out...what i have to say doesnt really matter. Like if he didnt want me to talk to him...i wouldnt cuz i respect him for that....but when i dont want him talking to me...he thinks im just pissed off and kidding. FUCK THAT MOTHER FUCKING ASSHOLE RIGHT UP HIS DEVIRGINIZED ASS CRACK!! 

It's hard enough to get over him cuz i loved him...i loved his his family, his sister is the coolest person...his mom might be crazy but she's a really funny  person...his dad reminds me exactly of my dad and i was actually comfortable with him, his younger siblings are cuter than fuck and i wanted to kidnap them and keep them as my own. But having him txting me still wanting to be friends makes it ten times harder...Theres no place for me now, im just Carlotta the Ex or the "friend".....and i dont want to sound like a bitch er anything...but i just dont want that. I'd just rather be forgotten and replaced with someone. 
Yeah i know im really confusing and hard to understand but you have to see it from my point of view, having a person tell you that you're the world to them and they dont want anyone else,  and then have them turn around and tell you "oh, i lied"...or actually have the new person in his life tell you that he lied...it fucking hurts so bad. Then being slapped with the label as FRIEND...what the fuck is that kind of shit? You're telling me that i mean the world to you, but you can go find some other person and totally disregard what you just told me. That just means im second best to you...or not even second...just FUCK THAT! I swear to fucking god if that kid tries to talk to me one more time im going to send his ass to jail. not even fucking kidding....
<3 Carlo 

If I cut, If I cut,
I won't feel like this shit

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