lemur_bandit (lemur_bandit) wrote,

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I have no idea whats going on anymore...

 Ok first look at the picture...notice how chinky my eyes are and how fake my smile is...and if you couldnt tell im saying  "Nigga"....NOW...my goal is to get that fucked up again one more time!! Fucking need a hotel party with bubbles and naked boys....and girls teehheehehe. 

Ok, im totally getting off track of why i came online for. Right. So today was a start of a really good day. I was home doing nothing and i realized that i still had my grandpa's birthday card...and his birthday was like 4 weeks ago. So i drove down to PQ to drop it off. It was cool cuz they were actually happy to see me. So i was talking to my grandma cuz she just found out that her bestfriend from high school has just passed away, which sucks cuz we already have to go to a funeral thursday cuz Uncle Bernie died.  In the middle of the convo my phone rang...but a ring tone i havent heard in like months. So i was like "WTF?!?! Restricted number!?!" So i picked up the phone and what do you know!!!!!!! Fucking Chris decided to call me....ok im just soo fucking irritated and totally clueless...*really big sigh*...if he still "cares" for me...then what the fuck is he doing fucking another chick and calling me to see how i feel!?!??!?! Fucking pissed off that you have the nerve to talk to me thats how i feel!!  Ok, so i picked up and i was like "HELLLLLLLLLO ^_^" cuz i really didnt think it would be Chris, and a really deep weird voice responded "..hi.." and my fucking mouth just dropped....and i was quiet waiting for him to talk cuz if i started talking i would of tore that piece of shit a new asshole. Then he was like "I was just calling to see if you still hated me...." and i didnt answer him until i realized i really shouldnt be talking to him cuz all my feelings are gonna come back and im gonna start bawling. So i just said "...Well....YEAH!" and he was like "Oh...ok.." so i was like "Yeah? ok bye" Then i hung up.....fuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. So i tried so hard to pretend that that just didnt happen...but i kept looking at my room and it reminded me of when i snuck Chris in and we got caught. So i started bawling like a little bitch and i freaked the fuck out of my grandma...whoa that sounded wrong.  So she was telling me she didnt really like him and that theres plenty of fish in the sea, then i looked at my grandpa and he handed me 40 bucks hahahhahahahaha.  
So i went to Dennis' house and met his Parents and sister, we were just being weird and played with his bass and had tickle fights. Yeah, i almost choked on a jolly rancher cuz he decided to tickle me while i was sucking on it while laying down...ass hoe.  Then we ate dinner and that wasnt awkward at all.....*sarcasm* I have no idea why but they just shot question after question after question and i just wanted to yell "Whoa there...im eating!" So after dinner we watched Hackers, during the movie Dennis was trying to hold my hand and i was just like..eh why the hell not? So we were holding hands and he leanded his head on me, and we just laid down. But then he decided to play with my tummy and run his fingers all over my bare skin....then i started freaking out. I guess Dennis could tell i was really uncomfortable so he stopped and was like "Im sorry ill stop and sit over here". AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! It's like, yeah i want someone to show me affection and tell me that everything is going to be ok, but at the same time i need time to heal from this fucking pain. The whole time we were watching the movie i kept thinking about Chris and how he's probably fucking his new bitch right this very second....JUST FUCKING SHIT!!!!!! I'm 'bout to go fucking crazy i swear! I just dont know what i want...i dont know what i should do....im just fucking sitting here waiting for things to be ok...but the more i sit and do nothing...the more i think about how badly i was screwed over. I just imagine Chris with his fucking stupid asian face laughing at me holding his new bitch....and i cant fucking stand it anymore. I fucking hate myself....i fucking hate everything right now.  
Sorry...i needed like a 10 min break...
Um, yeah after Dennis and i watched Hackers we watched Flavor of Love and talked about how crazy New York is, then his mom popped her head in the room and said it's getting kind of late cuz Dennis has to go to school tomorrow. So after Flavor told Like Dat to go, i decided to make my exit.  Dennis and i had a really long deep convo about what just happened...and i just felt like shit.  He's ready to take the next step..but im not. I'm still stuck on this fucking heart break, and i dont want to be with Dennis and always be thinking about how badly Chris hurt me.  So i told him, we really should get to know each other as friends...like BFF friends...then see if we have feelings for each other or not. So i left...got home..then noticed i had two voicemails. Dennis called apalogizing like no other and it just made me feel so bad...even though i shouldnt...but then i should cuz i didnt tell him to stop or tell him i didnt feel comfortable. I just laughed and looked away. So at the end of the message he said "I'm sorry for calling...i have no idea what im doing... im sorry" and that just fucking made me feel like shit....FUCKING HELL...things arent going to get easier are they?
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